Looking through my past messages and my posts and realizing that I was in a darker place last time and that I’m not much better now but at least I know what comfort and happiness feels like and I’m so blessed that someone as amazing as nic happened to me. He will probably never see this and I don’t think anyone else will but that gives me more relief knowing that this will be posted out there somewhere in the universe about a guy who is really… my light. I still go through episodes of being lonely, of feeling like I really have no friends (and what a petty worry this is compared to everything else — I almost feel silly complaining about this). I feel like I have not yet caught up with friends who have made so much effort, time and time again, to catch up with me just to hang out and spend some time together and I think… I don’t know. For once I’m happy being selfish and thinking of myself and really going for dance and dancing all I can because I’ve regretted being stuck in latin for so long when I really wanted to do hip hop and everything else. Dance heals me, it makes me feel like I’m worth something, like I have something special. It’s so sad to say this but I like feeling like I have something to offer to the world. That I can choreograph something and call it mine. That I can create things and make people feel a certain way. I spend all my time dancing because I don’t want to regret it when I get older and start working and have less time for dance because life gets in the way… I guess that’s why I don’t really have the energy to spend time with my friends and everything else… I guess I kind of regret that, but I’d still choose dance over everything else because it’s truly the one thing (okay maybe one of the two things) that make me feel alive. But I know I need to get in contact with my friends again and I only hope and pray that they will understand why I’ve chosen this over them and sometimes even over myself. Reading the last messages my friends have written for me through this platform… really makes me feel like I was a more selfless person and I cared more about people in the past and… I don’t know. I guess I really hate that about myself now. I feel so selfish and so self centered and even with my boyfriend know it feels like I’m not giving everything I can (or at least used to be able to). I used to be able to care for people, didn’t matter who or when or how but I just did. Regardless of whatever stress I was going through or how much I needed to study or how lonely I felt.
I cared because I wanted them to know they were seen, that someone cares for them, that someone loves them even if they might not love themselves at that point in time. I cried with whoever needed that comfort, I gave my all to even people I’ve only interacted with once. I remember doing this because… it was just… natural. That my heart hurt seeing a selfish world all the time.
But now… I’m not sure what happened. Maybe it was the bullying, maybe it was the fact that everyone I showed care for, one by one, gave up on me and left me in such a dark place that I could not escape from. Maybe it was caring too much and abandoning myself for others and realizing that no one really cares for me, despite what I’ve done for everyone else. Maybe it was the exhaustion from giving too many Fs. Maybe my brain finally decided that I needed to care for myself, and I needed to save myself from my own darkness that everyone left me in. It makes me hate myself so much for being so selfish and doing what I love and want to do nowadays, and how guilty I am to feel this way.
I have so much to be thankful for… and I’m really so lucky to have met nic over a year ago and I can’t even begin to fathom how much he has changed my life. He shows me that same care I gave to everyone else in the past, that same love in his friends and his family that I have lost because of God knows what reason. He loves me and accepts me despite me being at possibly the most shitty and selfish and bitchiest version of myself, and I cannot even understand why or what is happening except feel that I am undeserving of such love. I don’t get why he bothers about me that much, or what he even sees about me. And 1 year into this relationship and I still feel that I take too much and give too little. But he… never once doubted me, doubted us. I need to become a better person, for myself, for him and for us. For the person who has seen me when everyone else abandoned me, who has loved me despite all my fears, insecurities, bad habits and being really horrible at relationships, I owe him nothing less than he has given me, and I’m grateful but also guilty for feeling like I’m not enough for him.
Wow this has been a really long post but for once all my worries that I’ve been holding onto for so long are out. No one is going to read this but I’m just… I don’t know. I need to become better, and I need to heal from the past. My family, friends, people who love me, deserve a better me than the me I am now.
